It's a dictation... and it's a definition... of how we're living

Un-fugging-believable! That loser Hornswaggler had the cheek to leave me – the god of the universe (dingalingaling) – a comment! Still, it gave me a good laugh – AT HIM NOT WITH HIM. I would smite him with my godly power but I won’t because then I wouldn’t have anyone to borrow money from. Plus he makes me laugh. But not as much as these pictures of him!

Here, in contrast, is a picture of me sunbathing, yesterday. Gawp away, losers!

Yes, that is a godly light warrior you behold with your silly googly eyes. Get over it.

Now, on to bidness. I want to tell you a little about my sweet love Traybe, the mummy of the Marsh. She’s a goddess, a divine muse and bare buff. Here’s a picture of her relaxing at a rave with a nutritious can of mineral water, yesterday.

Technically I created Traybe, but she also gave birth to the universe – don’t try to understand, it’ll just give you the staggers.

She’s a psychedelic earth faerie, also known as Mrs GAIA, the MUMMY OF ALL THINGS. On midsummer’s eve, as Pan, AKA THE GREEN MAN, I dance the world into rebirth with her (see post below), which is a sight you might recognise from biology class. That night, my spirit enters every leaf and blade of grass – WHICH IS PRETTY FUGGING KEWL, YEAH? – and then I go and make all the ladies swoon DJing at a giant mega-rave, where I play all the wikkidest junglebass dubplates, or perhaps toss off a quick three hour WIG EXPERIENCE guitar solo. Then I drink several cans of health-giving mineral water and go for a nap under a hedge. I wake up when Hornwaggler comes skipping along to buy some croissants for his breakfast, thus beginning the infinite spiraling battle between the eternal forces of good and evil once more. Got it? Good.

Now, off you toddle.